Boundaries, People-Pleasing, and Losing Yourself

Most people don’t wake up one day and decide to lose themselves.

It happens slowly. Quietly. Through a thousand tiny moments where you choose someone else’s comfort over your own truth.

At first, people-pleasing feels like being a good person. You’re considerate. You’re thoughtful. You’re the one who “doesn’t make things difficult.” You remember birthdays, respond quickly, adjust your schedule, soften your opinions, and swallow your disappointment because it feels easier than risking conflict.

And for a while, it works. People like you. Things stay calm. You feel needed.

But then one day, you notice how tired you are and not just physically. You feel disconnected from your own reactions. You don’t know what you want anymore without checking how it will land with someone else first. You feel oddly resentful toward people you love, even though you’re the one who keeps saying yes.

That’s usually the moment people realize something deeper is going on.

When People-Pleasing Turns Into Self-Abandonment

The hardest part about people-pleasing is that it doesn’t feel unhealthy when you’re inside it. It feels responsible. It feels mature. Sometimes it even feels loving.

But over time, constantly prioritizing others trains you to ignore yourself. Your needs become negotiable. Your emotions feel inconvenient. Your boundaries blur until you’re not sure where you end and other people begin.

This is where losing yourself starts. Not in some dramatic breakdown, but in the quiet habit of self-abandonment. You stop trusting your instincts because you’ve learned they’re less important than keeping the peace. You stop expressing disappointment because you don’t want to be “too much.” Eventually, you stop checking in with yourself at all.

And the longer this goes on, the harder it becomes to answer a simple question like, “What do I actually want?”

Why Boundaries Feel So Wrong When You Need Them Most

If you’ve spent years people-pleasing, boundaries don’t feel empowering at first. They feel terrifying.

You might feel guilty just thinking about saying no. You might worry you’re being selfish or ungrateful. You might even feel anxious that setting emotional boundaries will make people leave.

That fear usually comes from learning somewhere along the way that love was conditional. That being easygoing, helpful, or agreeable kept you safe or connected.

But boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re not ultimatums. They’re simply honest about what you can give without betraying yourself.

And without them, resentment quietly builds until it spills out in ways you don’t recognize like snapping, withdrawing, emotional numbness, or burnout.

The Exhaustion of Being “Fine” All the Time

One of the most overlooked effects of chronic people-pleasing is emotional exhaustion. Not the kind that sleep fixes, but the kind that comes from constantly monitoring yourself.

 You’re always scanning: Is this okay? Did I upset them? Should I explain myself more?
You replay conversations. You second-guess decisions. You feel responsible for other people’s feelings while barely understanding your own.

Eventually, that inner voice gets quieter, not because it disappeared, but because it hasn’t been listened to in a long time.

This is often where reflection becomes necessary, not in a self-judging way, but in a gentle, curious one. Some people journal. Some talk it out. Others use tools like Abby, which helps you slow down and unpack emotional patterns without turning the process into another performance. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with me?” it creates space to ask, “What have I been carrying, and why?”

That shift alone can be grounding.

Reconnecting With Yourself Isn’t Instant.. It’s Honest

If you’ve lost yourself, the solution isn’t becoming louder, tougher, or more confident overnight. It’s relearning how to listen.

You start noticing where resentment shows up. You notice how guilt flares when you choose yourself. You realize how often your first instinct is to explain or justify instead of simply stating what you need.

Little by little, you begin asking different questions.
Not “What should I do?” but “What feels true right now?”
Not “Will this upset them?” but “Can I live with myself if I ignore this?”

Those moments add up. And they slowly rebuild trust with yourself.

The Truth About Boundaries and Relationships

Here’s something people don’t say enough: boundaries don’t ruin healthy relationships.

They do change dynamics. They may disappoint people who were used to unlimited access to you. But the relationships that are meant to grow with you will adapt.

If someone can only love you when you’re overgiving, that’s not connection, it’s dependence.

And choosing yourself doesn’t mean you stop caring. It means you stop disappearing.

You’re Not “Too Much” You’ve Just Been Giving Too Much Away

Losing yourself isn’t a failure. It’s a sign you learned to survive by being accommodating, attuned, and selfless.

But survival patterns don’t have to be life sentences.

Boundaries are how you come back to yourself. People-pleasing is something you can unlearn. And your needs are not a burden, they’re information.

If you’re in the process of untangling all of this, tools like Abby can help you reflect without judgment and reconnect with your emotional truth at your own pace.

 You don’t need to become someone new.
You just need to stop abandoning who you already are.

By: Morgan Allen